Friday Jokes 25 November

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink. He unwrapped the plain burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the fries dividing them into two piles one of which he placed in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat a few bites of his hamburger, the people around them were looking on and whispering.
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man thanked him but said they were fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People were noticing that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and ocassionally taking a sip of the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to accept his offer of another meal for them. This time it was the old woman who said, "No thank you - we are used to sharing everything."
Finally the old man finished his half and wiped his face neatly with the napkin. Again, the young man came over to the old lady who had yet to eat a single bite, and asked "Why don't you eat? What are you waiting for?"
The old lady looked up at his face and said, "the teeth"

Three men, one 60, one 70 and one 80.
Said the 60 year old. "It's a worry. I go for a pee and wait and wait and nothing comes."
"Even worse," says the 70 year old. "I eat bran and mountains of fruit but when I go to the loo I sit and sit and nothing comes."
"Well," says the 8- year old." Every morning at 6-o-clock I produce gallons like a horse. Then at 6.30 what comes out is like an elephants doo!"
"So what's wrong with that?" chorussed the other two.
"Well," said the 80 year old. "I don't wake up before seven!"

A man goes to the dentist with an aching tooth.
She says, "It's beyond treatment. It's got to come out."
She picks up a needle to give him a numbing injection.
"Woah!." says the man, "No needles. I hate needles."
So the dentist starts to hook up the gas. "No." shouts the man, "I can't do the gas thing either. I can't stand the mask on my face it stresses me out."
So the dentist turns to the tray and hands him a pill. "Here's a Viagra pill. Swallow this and wait in the waiting room. I'll call you in about 20 minutes."
The guy says, "Crikey. I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist. "but it'll give you something to hold on to when I pull the tooth out!"

The there's the new James Bond Viagra pill. It's supposed to make you Roger Moore!

A 92 year old woman goes to the vet with her dog and asks him to look at the poor thing. The vet says, "you have to buy some hair removal cream and smear it in the dogs ear. That'll get rid of his trouble in there."
So she leaves the vets and goes to the nearest pharmacy.
"I'd like some hair removal cream please." She says to the man behind the counter.
"If it's for your legs don't shave for a week after." He says.
"No it's not for my legs."
"Then if it's for your underarms, don't shave for a week after." Said the pharmacist.
The old lady looks at him and says, "It's for my snautzer."
"In that case," he says, "Don't ride a bike for a week."

Once upon a time there lived a king with a beautiful daughter, the Princess.
There was a problem though. Everything the Princess touched would melt. No matter what. Wood, stone, metal etc..
Because of this men were afraid of her. Nobody wanted to marry her and the King despaired.
He consulted his wizard who told hime, "If she touches just one thing that does NOT melt she will be cured."
So, the King came up with a plan. Any man who could bring an object that would not melt when she touched it could marry her and inherit the King's wealth.
Three young Princes took up the challenge. One brought a sword of the finest steel but as she touched it so it melted.
The second brought diamonds, the hardest substance known but again they melted as she touched them.. He went away disappointed.
The third Prince approached. He told the Princess to put her hand in his pocket and feel what was in there. As she did so her face turned red.  She felt something hard as she held it in her hand but it did NOT melt. The King was overjoyed and the kingdom celebrated. The third Prince married her and they lived happily ever after.
And the question is, what was in the Princes pants?
M & M's of course. They melt in your mouth NOT in your hand!