All the latests gags - thanks for sending them in.

I've lost count of the number of times this one's been sent in just lately!

The Government has issued a warning to anyone travelling in the icy conditions. You should take a shovel, blankets or sleeping bag, extra clothing including a scarf, hat and gloves, 24hrs supply of food, 5kg of rock salt, torch with spare batteries, road flares and reflective triangles, tow rope, 5 gallon petrol/diesel can, a first aid kit and jump leads.
I looked a complete fool on the bus this morning!

A young woman of limited intelligence came home from work to find her young son sitting on the doorstep clutching his stomach and being looked after by a concerned neighbour.
"Oh thank heavens you're home" said the neighbour. "Your little boy has swallowed your door key."
"Oh that's alright," replied the young woman, "I'll climb in through the window."

As a bagpiper I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at the graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends so it was a paupers funeral in the backwoods.
As I wasn't familiar with the place I got lost but eventually happened across the place an hour late. The funeral director had already gone, the hears was nowhere to be seen and only the grave diggers were left eating their lunch.
I felt bad about it and apologised for being late. Looking down into the grave with the coffin already covered with a layer of earth, I decided to play. The workers put down their lunches and I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. As I played Amazing Grace the workers began to weep and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. With my head hung low my heart was full. As I opened the car door I heard one of the workers say, "I've never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order Chicken Surprise. The waiter brings the meal served in a dish fitted with a lid.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid on the dish rises slightly. Taken aback she see's two beady eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
"Good grief, did you see that?" she cries to her husband. He hadn't seen what happened so she tells him to look for himself. As he reaches for the lid it again rises and he see's the eyes looking out from under it before the lid slams down shut again. He calls the waiter over and demands an explanation.
"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?"
The husband replies, "Chicken surprise."
"Ah! So sorry" says the waiter, "I bring you Peking Duck!"

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife, "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight's so bad once I've hit the ball I can't see where it's gone."
His wife sympathises but thinks she has the solution. "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three but his eyesight's perfect." His wife offers.
So the very next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. Turning to his brother-in-law he asks,"Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replies brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Well where did it go." demands Arthur.
The brother-in-law throws his arms in the air. "I don't know - I don't remember!"

A lorry driver pulls up at the red lights and a girl from the car behind jumps out and runs up to the cab.
"Hi, my name's Sharon and I just want to tell you that you're losing your load."
The lights change and they both drive off. At the next set of red lights she does the same telling him "You're losing part of your load."
At the third red light she again runs up to the cab. He lowers the window and she again says "my name's Sharon and I'm telling you you're losing your load.
By the forth set of red lights the lorry driver is out of the cab straight away and before Sharon can get out of her car he says, "Hi, my name's Kevin and I'm gritting the road."

Three boys are argueing over whose dad is the most easily frightened. One boy says his dad runs down the stairs just because there's a spider in the bath and his mother had to sort it out.
The second boy says that's a load of rubbish. His dad went camping and ran out of the tent with no clothes on because he saw an earwig and his mother had to sort that out.
The third boy exclaims that his dad is more frightened than both the others.
"When my mum was in hospital last week my dad was so frightened of being alone that the neighbour had to come round and sleep with him."

My wife's been missing for a week now. The Police came round and said I was to prepare for the worst, so I've been to the charity shop and got her clothes back just in case.

I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said "I love you."
She said,"Is that you or the beer talking?" I replied, "It's me talking to the beer!"

God looked down on two naked statues, Adam and Eve who for the last 100 years had been staring lovingly at each other across a park footpath. God told them that as a reward for never complaining he would give them the gift of life for one hour and they could do whatever they wanted in that time. He would turn a blind eye no matter what it was. So it came to pass and 55 minutes later they're lying on the grass in each others arms giggling. Eve said to Adam "come on we still have 5 minutes left so let's do it again but this time in a different way."
"OK " says Adam "I'm worn out but I'll give it a go. How do you want to do it this time?"
Eve replies,"Well, this time YOU hold the pidgeon and I'LL poop on its head!"

A florist went to the barber for a haircut. After the cut he asked for the bill but the barber replied that he was doing community service and couldn't accept any money. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning there was a 'thank you' card and a bunch of red roses at his door.
Later that day a policeman comes into the shop and has a haircut. Again the barber explains that, as he's doing community service, he can't charge for the cut. The cop was happy as he left the shop and the next day when the barber arrives to open up there's a lovely 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts on the doorstep.
The nxt day an MP comes in for a haircut and the barber obliges explaining that he can't charge for the cut as he's doing comminity services. The MP thanks him for his haircut and leaves without having to pay. The next morning when the barber comes to open his shop there's a dozen MP's waiting on his doorstep!

The back door was open and an old dog strayed in, jumped on the couch, went into a deep sleep for an hour or so then walked out again. This happened every couple of days for a few weeks so one day I put a note on his collar telling the owner where he went and what he did. The next time the dog arrived there was another note attached to his collar. It read "He's my dog, we live in a house with six childre, three hysterical women and two grumpy old men - can I come with him next time?"

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon so he placed four worms each in a separate jar.
The first worm was placed into alcohol, the second into a jar full of cigarette smoke, the third worm in chocolate syrup and the fourth into good clean soil.
At the conclusion of his sermon the minister observed to the congragation that the worm in alcohol was dead! The second worm in the cigarette smoke was DEAD! The third worm in chocolate syrup was DEAD! But the forth worm in good clean soil was still ALIVE!
"So," exclaimed the minister to the congregation. "What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine, sitting at the back of the church stood up and in a loud voice exclaimed "As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate you WON'T get worms!"

A man starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. The first job is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he's clearing them a huge fish jumps out of the water and bites his nose. The man beats off the fish and crushes it with his spade. Wanting to hide the evidence he throws the dead fish to the lions.
The second job is to clean out the chimp house. The chimps start to pelt him with cocnuts and lashing out with his spade he kills two of them. Again he has to dispose of the corpses so he throws them into the lion enclosure.
Moving on to the last job he has to collect the honet from the South American bee hives. As soon as he approaches he's attacked by the swarming bees and he thrashes about with his spade until every last one is dead. Sraping up the remains he flings them into the lion enclosure because lions will eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders into the lion enclosure and asks one of the resident lions "What's the food like here?"
The lion looks up at him and says, "Absolutely brilliant. Today we've had fish, chimps and mushy bees."

Friday Joke File

The Wife was counting all the 1 p's and 2 p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change!"

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some Viagra. The pharmacist say, "I need some medical proof that you need it." The man replies, "Will a photo of the wife do?"

Thunderbirds are go. "Parker?" "Yes M'lady." "Parker take off my dress." "Yes M'lady." "Parker, take off my knickers." "Yes M'lady." "Oh and Parker." "Yes M'lady." " Don't let me find you wearing my clothes again."

A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices that his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the brear and says, "Oh, I forgot to tell you. oday's the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked."

Friday Joke File 2nd November

Christmas Recipe - try Chicken & Popcorn this year.
Take 1 chicken, 1 cup melted butter, 1 cup of stuffing, 1 cup of uncooked popcorn and seasoning.
Preheat the oven to 200 degrees.
Brush the chicken with the melted butter and season.
Fill the cavity with the stuffing and popcorn mixture.
Place on baking tray with neck end to the back of the oven.
Wait.
When you hear the popping sound the chickens arse is about to blow the oven door off and the chicken should fly across the room and land on the table.
Serve when ready!

A man dies and after a while his wife manages to make contact with him.
"What's it like up there?"
He replies, "It's great. I eat, have sex and go swimming."
Puzzled, the woman says, "that's odd. When you were alive you didn't eat much, you didn't want sex too often and you couldn't swim!"
He replies, "Ah! But down there I wasn't a duck!"

When pilots fill out a form to report a defect the ground crews have to record how they put it right. Here's a few from the many sent in to Peter.
Mouse in cockpit - cat installed.
Something loose in cockpit - something tightened in cockpit.
Friction lock causes throttle levers to stick - that's what friction locks do.
Noise from under instrument panel sounds like midget with a hammer. - hammer removed from midget!

The Friday Joke File

Thanks for all your contributions.
Little Billy was always getting into trouble at school and was always being told off by his parents and his teachers. After one particularly naughty spell and being at the end of their tether, his parents decided to move him to a Catholic school.
After just two weeks they noticed his behaviour was superb and all his grades were top class. Amazed, his parents said to him " why have you changed your attitude and are doing so well at svhool?" To which Billy replied, "on the first day, after seeing the man nailed to the cross above the school door, I knew these teachers meant business!"

I took my son out for his first pint yesterday. I got him a Fosters. He didn't like it so I drank it. Then I got him a Carlsberg. He didn't like it, so I drank that too. It was the same story with the Guiness and then the cider. By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push his pram home!

A husband and wife went to see a marriage guidance councillor who asked the husband if he knew what his wifes favourite flower was. The man held his wifes hand lovinly and looked into her eyes. "I know this one," he said, "it's Homepride isn't it?"

A fireman is at the Station working on the fire truck outside when he notices a little girl in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She's wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to her dog. The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck." he says. Then he notices that the little girl has tied the rope to her dogs testicles. "I think if you were to tie that rope round the dogs neck you would go faster." The little girl looks up at him and says, "You're probably right mister but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Two rednecks are looking through a clothing catalogue and admiring the models. One says to the other "Have you seen these beautiful girls?" to which the other replies,"Yea, they're very beautiful and just look at the price."
"Wow." says the other, "at that price I'm buying one." Good idea." says his mate. "Order one and if she's as good as she looks in the catalogue I'll get one too."
Three weeks later they meet up again in the street. "Hey, did you ever get the girl you ordered from that catalogue?" Says one. The other replies, "No, not yet but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded area of Saskatchewan. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, ham and toast. However, John noticed a film on his plate and questioned his grandfather. "Are these plates clean?"
"They're as clean as cold water can get them." he replied. "Just go ahead and finish your meal sonny."
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again John was concerned about the plate which had tiny specks around the edge. "Are you sure these plates are clean?" Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before sonny, they're as clean as cold water can get them. Now I don't want to hear another word about it."
Late that afternoon John was about to leave to go into town for the night when his grandfathers dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get into my car." Without diverting his attention from the football on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, lay down do'ya hear me!!"

Yesterday I was at Sainsbury's buying a large bag of Winalot for my loyal pet when the woman behind me at the checkout asked if I had a dog. What a silly question! Since I'm retired I tend to be cynical so answered her. "No, I don't have a dog, I'm going on the Winalot diet again. Mind you I shouldn't because the last time I ended up in hospital but I'd lost two stone before waking up in intensive care. "
"What happened?" she enquired. I told her it was essentially a perfect diet. You load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply have one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and worked so well I was going to try again.
By this time others in the queue had overheard our conversation and were closing in to hear more.
She wanted to more. "So did you end up in intensive care because the food poisoned you?"
"No," I reassured her. " It happened when I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setters bum that the car hit me."

Friday Jokes

Two Norfolk gals are at the market in Norwich. "Here Ethel look at these new lavatory brushes on this stall."
"Oh my," says Ethel, "let's get one each."
A few weeks later they're at the market and meet up again. "How're you gettin' on with that new lavatory brush?"
"I'm stickin' with it," says Ethel, "but the old man's gone back to using paper!"

Finding a woman sobbing that she's locked her keys in the car a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he takes off his trousers, rolls them in a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens.
"That's so clever," the woman gasps "how did you do it?"
"Easy," says the soldier," these are my khaki's."

A doctor has an affiar with his nurse and shortly after she falls pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, the doctor pays for her to go to Italy to have the child. "How will I let you know when the baby's born?" she asks. He replies,"just send a postcard and write spaghetti on the back."
She takes the money and flies to Italy and the months pass by.
One day the doctors wife says, "A very strange postcard arrived today but I don't understand what it means."
"Let me see," says the doctor taking the card from her. He reads it and immediately falls to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rush him to the hospital where the consultant asks what might have caused it.
"Well," she says," I just gave him a postcard that said Spaghetti Spaghetti Spaghetti and Spaghetti. Two with meatballs and sausage two without!"

I need your advice. I suspect my wife of having an affair. She's been going out on a lot of girls night out things but when the taxi gets home she doesn't get out for at least thirty minutes. Last night I hid behind my BSA Lightning 650 Twin and waited. Up came the taxi and 30 minutes later she gets out with her clothes all over the place and her hair messed up. Then, my worst fears were confirmed. I looked down and saw it! A crack on the BSA's frame. What should I do? Should I use a mig or rod to repair it?

Friday Jokes

A man ia hot air balloon realised he was lost so he reduced altitude when he spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted down "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied,"You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be a senior rating in the Navy." said the balloonist.
"Iam" replied the man, "How did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you've told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly you've not been much help at all, if anything you've delayed my trip with all your talk."
The man on the ground responded. "I take it you're an officer?"
"Iam," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You've risen to where you are due to a quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep and you expect the people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you're in exactly the same position as you were in before we met but now, somehow, it's my bleedin' fault!"

Two little old ladies, Dorace & Jackie were sitting on a park bench outside the town hall where a flower show was in progress. The short one, Jackie, leaned over to Dorace and said. "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore. For £10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through the flower show!"
"You're on!" said Dorace holding up the note.
So, Jackie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the door of the town hall.
Waiting outside, her friend could hear a commotion inside and then there was some cheering and then applause.
Eventually, the smiling Jackie emerged from the building surrounded by the cheering clapping crowd.
"What happened?" asked Dorace.
"Well," smiled Jackie, "I won £1000 as First Prize in the best DRIED arrangement section!"